Addicted Like Me Page 20

  DISORDERLY TEMPER

  When I would finally come home, my mom usually confronted me with questioning that I knew I just couldn’t answer without convicting myself. Her attempts to inquire about any parts of my life made me feel backed into a corner, and I discovered that my best defense was a good offense, by screaming rages and violent outbursts at her. When I felt she was suspicious of my drug using, I became bullying and irritable as a way to intimidate her. She could have looked at the physical toll that was taking on me. The pot smoking made me very tired and worn out, which made me very easy to provoke, and I began to use a lot of profanity to try to get my mom away from me.

  My temper totally changed when I started to use crystal meth instead of marijuana. All of a sudden I could carry on hours of conversations with her due to the excessive amount of talking that went with my highs. I realized that she was starting to think that I had really stopped smoking pot because I was so animated, which seemed great. I was no longer avoiding her and would find myself in deep and spiritual conversations about my dreams and life. I was just so energetic that I seemed like a different kid. However, as a user I was driven into a severe depression followed by paranoia and aggression, which is known as “tweaking.” When heavy cocaine users experience paranoia, it almost always disappears once the binge ends. With meth, my severe mood disturbances and bizarre thoughts and behaviors sometimes lasted for days and sometimes for weeks.

  BODY SIGNS

  I began dropping weight when I started smoking pot because it took up so much of my time. I got extremely hungry only during highs. When my mom was at work, my friends and I would generally be at my house getting high in the garage. Once we were done, we would clean out the refrigerator and go on eating binges. Pot is notorious for causing “the munchies.” This cycle of eating may cause the shape of your child’s body to fluctuate. You may also notice there is no consistency between the weight of your child and how much food is being consumed at your house. My mom was constantly wondering why one day the refrigerator was completely packed and then the next day it was completely empty.

  Using meth was a different story. I dropped an extreme amount of weight in little time due to the fact that I never felt hungry while on meth. I found this to be one of the wonderful side effects of the drug, which just sealed the deal for me that I had found “the perfect drug.” My body was in constant motion. When I was coming down off meth I absolutely hated to be in my own skin. I was extremely fatigued and would sleep for endless hours. I was irritable and jittery, and when I would finally wake up after sleeping it off, I would have intense hunger and feel very depressed.

  Always look in your child’s eyes if you are watching bodily signs. Dilated eyes are a common side effect of using uppers. When your teen’s eyes are dilated, the pupils will appear much larger than usual and may look red or glazed over. Teens who wear sunglasses often, especially at night, may be trying to cover up a problem with uppers.

  ADDICTIVE OPTIONS

  If you suspect your child is on any kind of drug, first make your expectations for behavior clear. If the problems persist, consult a school guidance counselor or an addiction specialist. If necessary, find a treatment facility that specializes in teen addiction. There are ways to stop this very serious problem in its tracks, but you have to be vigilant. If you have discovered an addiction, you have been vigilant and should feel safer for yourself and your child because recovery is now an option. Next, remain hopeful and take steps as a teammate to your teen. It’s essential that a choice to move forward be made. Forcing an addiction to heal is not an option.

  CHAPTER 15

  ARE YOU ALL READY FOR TREATMENT?

  CREATING YOUR TEAM

  All I can suggest is that you be open to the possibility of treatment as a family. Lauren believed she could quit on her own. That wasn’t a reality. Although many teens believe they can quit on their own, these “self-willed” recoveries usually do not last very long. There are unique problems with teenage and even young adult addicts. First of all, they do not realize the consequences to their health and life that active addiction brings. They feel invulnerable, as if nothing bad will ever happen to them, and they base their decisions on that thinking. So many teens end up losing their life because they don’t have the maturity to understand the consequences of feeding their beast of addiction. That is why we need to step in as soon as possible.

  I have spoken to parents who are resistant to the idea of treatment because they have already spent so much money on treatment that didn’t work for their child. To top that off, many of us have had our money or items stolen by our own teens. Remember, their disease is genetic, and it can skip over your generation and slam into them unexpectedly. This fact may encourage you to see the connection between yourself and your child. Your stories are intertwined. A successful recovery requires the participation of every person in your family who is involved in your story.

  The most consistent way addicts have found sobriety is to surround themselves with a group of their sober peers and go to twelve-step meetings on a regular basis. The logical approach for teens to get and stay sober is to be with a group of peers, go to twelve-step meetings, hold each other accountable, and have some fun. It replaces the drug use with a purpose when a group of teens work together on getting and staying sober. A family that mirrors this concept provides a second layer of recovery support. These two layers saved Lauren’s life. Recently, she looked at me and said, “Mom, I know for a fact that if it weren’t for my recovery, I would either be dead or on the streets today.” I also recall a conversation I had with Lauren’s former baby sitter several years ago. “You know,” she said, “Lauren and I were talking the other day, and she told me that she is so very grateful that you did not give up on her.” That gave me all the evidence I need that getting and participating in help for her was the right thing.

  What if your child doesn’t want help and is unwilling to get into recovery? That is always a possibility. When I walked into my first meeting, I knew that I was exactly where I was supposed to be to get help for myself. Lauren was home playing sick on the couch. There was absolutely nothing I could do to force her to get sober. All I could do was learn how to take care of myself and to accept the help of others who had dealt with the issues I was facing. You will need to be ready to stop enabling your child at this point. By enabling, I mean helping to perpetuate the disease by your actions. The concept of “hitting bottom” means that teens come to realize on their own that their life is not working. I prevented Lauren from realizing this fact by giving her money, rides, and room and board. Of course she didn’t want to change while she was receiving this support. After I took the support away, our option for recovery became available when she hit her bottom.

  CHOICES FOR EVERYONE

  Recovery is a business. You will need to make choices for your family after listening to people that want to sell you their services. The initial person you speak with will most likely be someone who is very good at promoting the services of the program you are researching and at handling your objections. Ask at least the seven questions below to choose a recovery program that all of you can participate in.

  1. IS THE PROGRAM SPECIFICALLY DESIGNED FOR ADDICTED ADOLESCENTS?

  Most treatment programs are designed for adults. Some programs will include adolescents but usually have only limited activities for the teens. Putting addicted teens into a psychiatric facility is also not a workable solution, as they are grouped with mentally ill teens, which totally distracts from the main issue of addiction.

  2. DOES THE PROGRAM INCLUDE TREATMENT FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY?

  Treatment programs should encourage parents to participate in group meetings, drug education, and counseling. The worst thing for a teen addict in recovery is to have a family that is not recovering. Our home environments will significantly affect the recovery of our kids.

  3. HOW DOES THE PROGRAM PROVIDE AFTERCARE FOR ONGOING RECOVERY?

  If our teens have
a chance at remaining sober, they must completely change the people they have surrounded themselves with. How are they going to do that if they go away for treatment and return to step right back into their old life? There needs to be a long-term plan that will work.

  4. WHAT EVIDENCE DO YOU HAVE THAT YOUR PROGRAM IS SUCCESSFUL WITH YOUNG PEOPLE?

  Inquire as to the percentage of teens that complete the program. You can also ask to talk with other parents that have put their teen through the program and perhaps even talk with the teens to ask for their perspective on the experience.

  5. DOES THE PROGRAM USE AND PROMOTE TWELVE-STEP RECOVERY?

  The twelve steps have been proven to be the most successful way that addicts can maintain long-term recovery. In January 2007, researchers at Stanford University released data that indicated a twelve-step-oriented treatment program that includes attending meetings boosted two-year sobriety rates by 30 percent as compared to cognitive behavioral programs (counseling-based programs).

  6. DOES THE PROGRAM UTILIZE MIND- OR MOOD-ALTERING PRESCRIPTION DRUGS?

  I caution you to be very careful with this decision. I do not believe it makes sense to treat a drug addict with drugs. It is wise to seek more than one professional opinion regarding your own family choice.

  7. WHAT ARE THE PROGRAM RULES AND GUIDELINES?

  If the treatment program has rules, they need to be basic and simple. Simple rules make achievements easy to see. The reason that such a program works for teens is because they are able to see hope clearly. Our teens need treatment and recovery from a deadly, complicated disease. In recovery, select something they are attracted to, can get behind quickly, and can become excited about. It is important that the program you select seems attractive to your child.

  CHAPTER 16

  DO YOU NEED HELP MANAGING?

  HANG IN THERE, PARENTS

  I had to think about what I was willing to give up to achieve recovery for Lauren and myself. When I first began recovery, I can remember my counselor talking with me about my exhaustion and what contributed to it. In reviewing my life and schedule, I realized that I was trying to do it all. I had a demanding full-time job with a long commute; I did all of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, and shopping for our family; I was involved in church activities and ran the children to school functions, gymnastics, and karate. My life was so incredibly unmanageable; it was a true juggling act just trying to keep all of the balls in the air. I prioritized by price-tagging my time, working clutter control, and speaking up.

  PRICE-TAGGING YOUR TIME: Write down all the weekly activities in your life and rate them by importance. Then, consider alternatives to some of the activities that consume the most time. For me these were basic tasks, like the six hours per week I spent cleaning the house. I realized that I made a good income and could certainly afford to have someone help me with the heavy cleaning. I also made a decision to move closer to work, which cut down my commute time, when I recognized that my commute was consuming a good deal of hours every week.

  The most important activities in your recovery will require the most time and money. To save both, I had to make changes. Paying for recovery for us was a central issue. I chose to put a second mortgage on my house to pay for treatment. One month later, I got a big raise, and I saved that money to cover the costs we had that related to recovery. In less than a year I was able to pay for the treatment that helped save my teen’s life.

  Are any of the suggestions on the list below an idea that your family can use to save time or money?

  • Hire help for household cleaning

  • Give up activities not vital to recovery

  • Cut down on work or overtime

  • Reduce television watching

  • Delegate chores within the family

  • Consider carpooling options

  • Shop online for grocery delivery

  • Solicit baby-sitting from family/friends

  • Limit the length of phone calls

  • Relocate

  • Stop worrying and procrastinating

  • Start taking action

  WORKING CLUTTER CONTROL: My physical space and my emotional space both required organizing. I was always spending time looking for things that I had misplaced. This enhanced my feelings that my life was out of control.

  To calm my physical space, I began a routine of planning for the next action. This included my home and office. I started putting my dirty clothes in the hamper instead of on the bed or floor, for example, and I put the dishes in the dishwasher instead of leaving them in the sink. I even started making to-do lists as a memory technique. I didn’t have to constantly try to remember what the next action in a given time was.

  To calm my emotional space, I began a system of boundaries against “high drama” connections. This included thoughts and people that caused me to wallow in negative feelings. I started letting go of any thought about being disorganized, being indecisive, worrying, and not knowing my priorities if the thought did not connect to an action I could take to change my circumstance. If I could not take an action to help a friend change a circumstance, I also started letting go. I realized I had been spending hours on phone calls about unchanging soap operas.

  SPEAKING UP: Acknowledge the fact that your child has a serious disease and has spun out of control because of it. This will be a major challenge due to embarrassment or a different emotion that you may associate with addiction having taken over your family. Please consider the fact that we did not cause that and we cannot let any shame we may feel cause us to try to hide the truth from those who are close to us.

  I have found that the direct approach works best with relatives and friends. Before I chose to speak up, I was using time and energy to hide my situation. After, I found that people close to me had already sensed there was something going wrong. Many times they were able to be supportive and understanding given the chance to understand. I have provided a sample conversation here that you can use to approach relatives and friends. Keep it simple. It is not necessary to go into an extensive dialogue about the details of everything that led up to the addiction.

  YOU: “This is a bit difficult for me, but I need to talk with you about Lauren. We recently discovered that she has a major problem with drug addiction. We are doing everything we can to try to help her, and she entered a treatment facility this week. We could use your support and your prayers for our family right now.”

  To avoid feeling pressured to give a reply, offer this basic response if you are met with further questions you do not feel comfortable answering at that time.

  YOU: “I am having a rough time right now and would prefer to not get into the details.”

  To approach an employer, coworker, teacher, counselor, or other professional involved in your family life, modify the sample conversation above using the following considerations:• In dealing with bosses or coworkers, it is best to try to keep your personal life out of the work situation if you can.

  • Some people feed off drama and gossip.

  • It may become necessary to share your plan for recovery with a boss or coworkers if it will affect your work schedule.

  • If you remain open to hearing a person out, this will allow you to gather information and facts.

  • Experts can only help up to the level of what they know and how they have been trained to handle issues. It is important for you to educate yourself independently.

  • Confrontation was not as bad as I thought it would be. I was a stronger person than I thought I was.

  HANG IN THERE, TEENS

  Social pressure for teens is intense. Teens have to wear the right clothes, own the coolest gadgets, have a cell phone, Twitter, and blog and be on Facebook or MySpace. When terrible situations arise and peer pressure kicks in so badly that you want to return to your addiction, that moment can make you forget you will have to live with the choice that you make in that second for the rest of your life.

  I found many situations on my jo
urney to recovery during which I made poor decisions that were contrary to my character and beliefs. I found that I was setting myself up for failure because I was choosing the wrong kind of support system. Sometimes I even chose the right support system but the wrong people to rely on in that system. I was clueless of where and whom to turn to, or how to match the two things up. Turn to one of the places I talk about here if you are also feeling pressure. You can learn from the mistakes I made and select supportive people at supportive places you can go to during your recovery that will help you hang in there during intense times.

  CHURCH: I thought that when I went to church I would find support with my peers, but instead I found that many of them were living the same type of lifestyle that I was. I repeated my habit of finding the people that used. This led to the need for me to lie at church, and the lies just grew and grew. I would tell my church counselors that I was finally free of drugs and alcohol, which led them to ask me to speak about my addiction during a service in front of the whole congregation. I spoke for ten minutes one time about how my religion saved me from my beast. All the while the party friends I had were laughing hysterically in the crowd because they knew I was lying about my sobriety. The attention didn’t support my recovery because it was supporting my addiction to feeling accepted and important instead.