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  RELATIONSHIPS: When I began my romantic relationship with John, I had an inescapable desire to present myself to him in the most positive light. Doing this halted my own personal honesty in my recovery process because all my focus turned to the infatuation of this new relationship between us. This distraction while in drug treatment had negative effects on my recovery process. Even though this distraction felt compelling and right, it ultimately was toxic to my recovery. In the end the relationship was just two people going back and forth, enabling each other to stay unhealthy, and ultimately putting their sobriety at risk.

  MEETINGS/GROUP/RECOVERY: Before I began going to recovery, I was so embedded with the message that there was no hope that I constantly played up the victim role. In recovery I began to try out new behaviors, like honesty and letting people in. I was given the tools to start taking positive risks, and I found that I had started receiving more self-knowledge and that I had more to offer to others than I had ever believed was possible. Once I decided to give the sober thing a try and got a few months of sobriety under my belt, I found myself in an enormous emotional transition. The support I had found at recovery gave me the assistance and encouragement that I needed during this stage when I began to salvage my life. I was able to enjoy the companionship and support of people that understood and empathized with me at each new step.

  CHAPTER 17

  ARE YOU DOING WHAT WORKS?

  NAVIGATING LIFE WITH an addicted child in the family creates havoc in the house because there are a number of parenting strategies that just plain do not work. This chapter lists those broken strategies so that you can reflect on your own life and determine if you are doing what works or what does not. More-effective parenting options are the ultimate goal; however, the strategies that work cannot begin to take effect until you identify the broken dynamics presently at work in your home, your child, yourself, or a combination of these three.

  DENIAL THAT YOUR CHILD IS USING

  A parent is unfortunately often the last to know, or the last to acknowledge, the fact that a child has become an addict. Our tendency is to explain away odd behavior that should set off red flags. Some explanations we may offer on our child’s behalf are “They’re just doing a little partying” or “I did it when I was a kid, and I turned out okay.” These are safe-mode thoughts that keep us protected from the truth and from facts that we are not ready to deal with yet. Denial is a stall tactic, plain and simple. Eventually addiction will be necessary to face, admit, and deal with.

  When I first heard how serious Lauren’s drug problem was, I thought my friend Shirley was just making the problem up to make her own daughter, Lindsey, look good. My brain cycled back to this blame on Shirley. I wanted to find any way possible to justify the idea that things for Lauren were not really as bad as what I had heard from my friend. The interesting thing is that my behavior toward Shirley was quite similar to the denial of an addict who refuses to admit that a substance abuse problem exists. This does not help your child, to discount the reality that an addiction has taken hold. Addiction is a serious illness, and your child is at risk. We can’t decrease this risk by blaming someone else or creating a plausible excuse for a problem that is way bigger than us that we can’t control, change, or stop without help.

  The best thing we can do is come out of denial to seek the help we need. Things will not work themselves out. The hope is that the sooner we come to this realization and start to seek this help, the sooner we can begin finding solutions that work.

  PERSONAL GUILT

  One struggle we share as parents is personal blame over the choices our kids have made. Sure, we could have been more available or nurturing or less critical. Perhaps we should have been more of a parent to our children and less of a friend or vice versa. Single parents are especially hard on themselves for not being more present or not providing constant supervision. Married parents often blame the problems of the marital relationship for affecting an addicted kid, or even worse, spouses end up blaming one another for what has happened with their child. Addiction is at the core of any of these types of blame and causes one of two effects that are both counterproductive to parenting strategies that work.

  First, the “blame game” begins when we accept responsibility for our child’s addiction, because this may increase our denial of the problem, as we find it difficult to face an addiction we feel we may have caused. Our kids will fan this feeling along if we let them. Teen drug abusers frequently blame a parent as one main reason the addiction began in the first place. It just gives our teens justification to continue their behavior if we play the “blame game” and makes it very difficult for them to find recovery.

  Second, the blame game keeps us paralyzed with feelings of unrealistic guilt. It’s extremely damaging to our entire families to remain stalled in tremendous levels of guilt, and it fuels teenage addicts by coddling them. It doesn’t change or help the situation, which is the ultimate goal, to replace self-blame and guilt with a parenting strategy that works.

  ALLOWING THE SITUATION TO GET OUT OF HAND

  Taking control of the situation with your addicted child as soon as possible is essential. Denial and the blame game must be defeated to stop situations from escalating.

  By not dealing with things early on, we will discover that the small problems escalate to larger ones. The teen may end up suspended from school, as I experienced with Lauren and Ryan, which can lead to increasingly complicated situations like police involvement, arrest, dealing drugs, running away, attempting suicide, or all of these things. Out of denial or guilt we may tolerate bad behavior at any of the early stages in this sequence. This is unacceptable if we expect the situations to end, because emotional ties to our children are manipulating us into tolerance for addiction rather than delivering us toward a solution to addiction that will take control of the situation at hand.

  An addicted child is at risk for insanity, death, or suicide. It is important to be clear that any of these ends are the realistic situation that awaits you and your child if the disease of addiction is left untreated. Most parents do not want to place their child into treatment and may end up doing so out of sheer desperation, but contrast this against the realities that await an addict after situations are allowed to escalate. Placement into treatment is a better option because it can save the life of your kid. Continued addiction, parental guilt, the blame game, or paralysis due to personal grief only allows the disease to continue in your child and to escalate, always leading to extremely negative ends.

  ENABLING

  Enabling parents are those that prioritize the comfort of their child over the addiction that has taken hold of the child’s life. Many times we are enabling parents without even knowing it. I provided a home of course for my family, but I was also continuing to allow Lauren and Ryan to use the TV, cell phones, and computers, and I was offering them an allowance. Tough Love techniques taught me to consistently cut these enabling behaviors off because the fact was that I had actually been achieving the opposite result of what I wanted. I wanted good things for Lauren and Ryan, and I strove to love, protect, and provide for them, but before I stopped enabling I was definitely hurting them by allowing the addictions to continue.

  To draw the line against enabling, it is necessary to recognize where enabling begins. As parents, our children depend on us for food, shelter, health, and emotional support. Beyond those things it is possible to begin enabling, by which I mean helping to perpetuate the disease of addiction through our actions. Lauren, for example, was going over to another area of town to visit her drug dealer boyfriend and other drug-using friends every day, including weekends. Oftentimes I would give her a ride to this area of town because that was where she went to school, but then I found myself willing to give her a ride there on the weekends as well. Now, why would I give her a ride somewhere if I knew she was in that part of town killing herself with drugs? There is no logical answer. That is an example of enabling, then, because my need to be “nice�
� to my daughter took priority over the dangerous reality of the situation at hand.

  By ending your enabling patterns, you help your child hit bottom and also help yourself. Refusing to enable addiction announces the fact that in our homes we do not accept unacceptable behavior. Illegal drug and alcohol use is unacceptable. The message that we want to give our children consistently is that we love them, we want the best for them, and we are on their side, but we will not contribute favors that make addiction a possible lifestyle choice.

  NOT SETTING LIMITS

  It is important that we have rules and boundaries in our home, and it is especially key that we communicate these rules to our children. In addition, rules require a support system outside the home that will reinforce consequences for our kids and provide us with strength to maintain the limits we set down. Setting limits alone, with no support system and no professional help, is dangerous and does not work. The dangers involve an enormous loss of personal energy and conflict with our teens that escalate into anger, turmoil, arguments, tears, and reoccurring feelings of guilt, denial, self-blame, grief, or all of these.

  Eventually I came to realize I had not set limits, nor set them clearly, for Lauren and Ryan. What I had done was discuss limits. This is different from setting limits clearly. I took offense when my sponsor pointed out that I had played a part in allowing many situations to escalate. I was the parent, I was informed, and if my daughter was yelling at me, I should not allow myself to be upstaged by somebody in a training bra and braces. With this insight, I felt I had nothing to lose if I began to set limits differently. It didn’t take long before things started to change once I was willing to set a limit and walk away without negotiating with my children or choosing to listen to hysteria, whining, or tantrums.

  To follow through with the boundaries I set for Lauren and Ryan, I needed the strong support of my recovery group, my sponsor, and my significant other. My boyfriend, Bob, was a key supporter of mine. He attended meetings with me, and we stood strong together when we went through the tough times, which presented a united front against Lauren and Ryan. I did not stand against my children alone when setting limits. This was essential because a child will attempt to divide and conquer two adults that set limits.

  Bob and I also learned that “no” is a complete sentence. Negotiating a limit with your teen does not work. Talking leads to discussion, which can quickly be flipped by your child into an interrogation about your parenting methods, when the real discussion is about the unacceptable behavior of your child. You do not have to be interrogated or go into volumes of explanations about limits. They are reasonable and necessary. End the discussion, and walk away if you haveto, to preserve the limits you set.

  NOT TALKING TO OUR KIDS ABOUT SUBSTANCE ABUSE

  In 2005, the Office of National Drug Control Policy stated, “Significant parental involvement” is the most important factor in deterring young people from using drugs. Little changes each time a similar survey of teens is conducted about the role a parent plays in shaping the choice that a child makes regarding substance abuse. Adolescents whose parents talk to them on a regular basis about substance abuse and genetic predispositions are 42 percent less likely to use drugs; however, the Partnership For A Drug-Free America finds that only one in four teens reported having these conversations. Can you imagine how much drug usage statistics could drop if 100 percent of parents talked to their children? Maybe you are one of those parents whose children have not yet experimented with drugs. If so, it does not work to remain silent. You have an unbelievable opportunity.

  There are a number of reasons that parents don’t talk to teens about substance abuse, but it is important that we get beyond any justification for remaining silent. What works is just talking about it anyway. It will be uncomfortable, and it may be realistic to believe we are jeopardizing the relationship with our child, yet as parents we are ultimately responsible for the welfare and safety of our teens. It is crucial that we do whatever they need to become educated. Sometimes this will feel as if your teen is not listening to you; however, it is indicated in survey after survey that this fact is wrong. Your child really does take things that you say seriously and to heart when you talk to him or her.

  CHAPTER 18

  WHAT IS STILL GOING ON?

  PARENTS ARE STILL a teen’s greatest influence. It is an overwhelming blow to this fact if you realize that your teen may be dabbling in drugs and alcohol or has a full-blown addiction. Trust me, though, a parent is so influential. My mom let my behaviors slide and was denying obvious indications of drug use in our house. The message I received from her choices was that I could still get away with a lot because she couldn’t catch me. The longer you deny, the longer you wait, the more your teen, you, and your family will suffer. Parents need to know that all users—yes, even your child—will be working overtime to cover their behavior. Lying is a big part of the disease. To find out what is still going on, consider each of the scenarios in this chapter against the daily lifestyle at your house.

  THE SCENE: New, older friends keep showing up.

  WHAT’S STILL GOING ON: Contact with drug buddies.

  When children become involved in using and selling drugs, their circle of friends will change drastically. The crowd that you once knew and trusted will be nowhere to be found. When Ryan and I met an older man in our neighborhood in Colorado who dealt weed, we knew we had hit the jackpot. He was married, yet had a thing for younger girls. I had him eating out of the palm of my hand. For months before I moved back to Arizona, I would spend countless hours at his home getting high for free.

  Meeting the friends your child keeps is essential. Also, meeting the parents can tell you a lot about any teen and help you keep close tabs on yours. You might even consider calling or getting together regularly to share information with other parents about how your children behave, what they like to do, and any changes you’ve noticed lately.

  THE SCENE: Money doesn’t seem to be a problem.

  WHAT’S STILL GOING ON: Theft, bartering.

  I found out early on in my using that some drugs are even cheaper and easier to obtain than alcohol. The dealer pushes the drugs for cheap, and once the teen is hooked, the dealer then raises the price or sometimes asks for a sexual favor in return for the next high. Drugs are an expensive habit otherwise, which means that an addicted teen must begin to steal or otherwise barter anything to get money or access to substances.

  Once my mom realized that Ryan and I were indeed smoking pot and drinking alcohol, and that none of our chores were being done, she decided that she would no longer give us money. This was the correct choice. She was not going to be an active participant in our drug purchases anymore. The consequence of that choice was that Ryan and I then had to figure out ways that we could still get money to support our pot smoking addiction because neither one of us had hit our bottom and was ready to quit using.

  We decided that we would sneak out at night to break into neighborhood cars. Theft is what we turned to when we were desperate. We would dress in all black and wait for our parents to go to sleep, and then meet to scrounge up whatever valuables we could find in the vehicles we hit. People didn’t lock their car doors as often as they do now, so it was easy to find many cars to steal from. We found wallets with money, but even just an ashtray full of change was worth robbing the car for. We took purses, clothing, and guns and sold what we could for drug money.

  There were also times when I dealt drugs to make money. I brought LSD into a rehab center with me to sell to other patients for more than the price I was able to buy it for. I used the benefit I had as an outpatient to score drugs when I was not at the program. In my own neighborhood I sold to younger kids because I knew they would never notice I was tricking them. I made bags of my mom’s spices that looked like bags of weed, and when the younger kids would call and ask to get drugs, I took their money and went to purchase my own real stash.

  THE SCENE: The house is empty during part of the day. />
  WHAT’S STILL GOING ON:

  Partying, drug sales/exchanges, planning.

  Keeping your home open and available to your teen and your teen’s friends will certainly give you a window to notice any new behaviors that may arise. We had kids living in the rafters of our garage. These were friends that had been kicked out of their homes or just simply run away. Ryan and I used this as a means of extorting them for their drugs, or we made them go steal alcohol for us in return for a warm place to sleep. Our mom had set up a couch in our garage, which just ended up giving us a warm place to get high when she was away from the house, instead of freezing our butts off outside to hide from her in the cold and snowy winter months in Colorado.

  Neighborhood friends began to use our house as a base. If they wanted to get high, they knew they could just come to our garage, hang out, and use. It was easy for friends to come and go through the garage into the house. If your child is using or has friends that use, take all your valuables out of the home, or they will probably be stolen if you are not home for several hours a day. Don’t leave your wallet or purse lying around, especially your bank checks.

  THE SCENE: Online shopping.

  WHAT’S STILL GOING ON: Drug research.

  Teens can now use the Internet to buy prescription drugs. This has made the drug menu bigger, because hundreds of online pharmacies sell medications with no questions asked and no prescription necessary. Painkillers, depressants, antianxiety meds, and stimulants are easy to order and learn more about online. One big problem with prescription drug use is that a teen may not realize that there is very little difference between the amount of medication that can produce a high and the amount that can cause an overdose. Prescription drugs are just as dangerous as illicit drugs.