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  My sponsor encouraged me to allow myself to experience the joy of this time in my life, and to connect with my sense of relief, but she also cautioned me that life was not going to become suddenly perfect. Early sobriety carries challenges, in large part due to unresolved issues about trust and self-confidence and the strings that an addict must cut from former relationships. I needed to start learning to trust Lauren and remember that things had happened with her exactly as they were supposed to. I didn’t think she would go back to her old life at that point, but who knew? I also suspected that her old friends would come looking for her—our ripple effect. It was an easy decision to change our phone to an unlisted number, even though Lauren had broken her ties to these people. I put my feet on the ground with all this knowledge, just as my counselor suggested, and chose to live one day at a time.

  We had to address Ryan’s habit of stealing. I noticed something shiny under his bed one day when I walked by his room. I took a closer look, and I found a stash of very expensive power tools. I called my sponsor to tell her and to ask for guidance. She gave me some advice, telling me to go to Ryan directly and set a time line for the removal of the stolen things from my house. I followed through. When I saw Ryan at the coffee shop on the day I found the tools, I pulled him aside for a chat. I informed him I found property in his bedroom that did not belong to us. I told Ryan I wanted it removed from our home within twenty-four hours. He looked at me wide-eyed, with the color draining from his face, and said okay. Bob and I spotted Ryan sitting outside with his sponsor when we left. They were having a private talk, and Ryan looked pretty shook-up. The following evening I arrived home to find Ryan and his sponsor pulling out of our driveway, with the car loaded up with the tools. I heard later through the grapevine that they had returned the equipment to a construction site, where it had originally been taken from.

  It felt good to see we were finding new solutions as a family to former, destructive patterns. I had done the right thing by talking to Ryan to let him know I found the stolen property, and setting a time line for it to be removed had caused him to react. He had done the right thing by working through the issue with the help of his sponsor and returning the equipment. Neither of us resorted to panicking or yelling during the incident. It was one of the first times that I realized I could give a problem to my child to solve instead of taking that problem on as my own, which only forced a solution that never allowed a chance for Lauren or Ryan to play a successful role they could be proud about.

  Encouraging things also happened in my dynamics with Lauren. About a month into her inpatient stay, I received a phone call from her counselor to tell me that a special time had been made for me to sit in on a counseling session with Lauren, at which she could make amends for her past behavior. This was a special session every kid in the program was able to have, when the time was right. Because Lauren had made huge strides after her return to the residential house, she had been chosen to be the first person to have this type of meeting. I went alone, because I felt Lauren might be uncomfortable having Bob there. At that time he was sort of playing the role of dad to the kids, but to them he was still just my boyfriend. I didn’t have a chance to ask Rick if he would have liked to go. In the time after Ryan had stopped living with his dad in Cottonwood, I hadn’t heard much from Rick. He had been sent to prison for driving under the influence again.

  When I arrived at the residential house for Lauren’s session, I was taken into a room first, to meet privately with the founder of the program. He told me that he was excited about Lauren’s progress. He explained the purpose of the meeting and told me to be open and to listen to what she had to say. He also asked after me. The founder was blunt and asked if I had a problem with alcohol or drugs. I told him no. I let him know that I was at the point with my drinking where I had only an occasional couple of glasses of wine. He seemed satisfied with this answer. Something in my head went off after I finished what I had to say, however. I felt an alert that I should reconsider my answer and say more, so I did. I told the founder about my past history, and his eyes got wide. I continued, “Well, there was that time that I almost died when I overdosed on crystal meth at the age of eighteen.” He slapped his open palm loudly on the table and said, “You need to be sober!” I was dumbfounded. I didn’t think I was totally sober but I still hadn’t been aware that I might be an addict, too. It stunned me to face the possibility and weight of this revelation.

  I knew I had been a child of an addict, and that I had married one, but I never once considered that I might be one after all the changes I had made. I drank moderately, but I didn’t binge like I had in the past. I didn’t abuse alcohol and hadn’t touched an illegal drug in years. This confusion was all over my face. The founder noticed it and said, “Let me give you an example. You are at a party and you have had your two or three glasses of wine. You go upstairs to use the bathroom and walk by a bedroom where they are cutting out lines of crystal meth. What are you going to do?” I didn’t think that story was very likely to happen in my life any longer, but I really could not tell him I was sure that if it did I wouldn’t be drawn back to my former habit. Relapse happens to addicts. I promised to quit on my own one time, and it was only one night out drinking with friends that had taken me back into doing drugs. I had to admit I had had major problems with drugs and alcohol in the past. I didn’t have anything to lose by giving them up altogether.

  It was the next step in my family’s journey for all of us to be completely sober and clean. I said okay to the founder, and that day now marks my sobriety date. It was a surprise when it happened, that like Lauren did that night, I also made some intense confessions. I went to my session with her and was led into a room with the other kids in her inpatient group. Ten kids were there, and Lauren addressed us all. She told me how sorry she was for all that she had put me through. She said she had been hard at work on herself by staying sober and making sure her actions were clean. She communicated that she was willing to “stick with winners” now and was in the process of changing the people she surrounded herself with. Lauren told me that night that she wanted our relationship to be better. She was working to earn back my trust. So much more had happened to us both than I was expecting when I arrived at the session.

  I was filled with gratitude and pride for Lauren’s willingness to change her life. I tearfully accepted her amends and hugged her tightly when the session was done. I couldn’t have wished for a better outcome. Two weeks later was her graduation day from the residential home and her return to our house, which made me nervous and excited, all at the same time. I bought her a bouquet of flowers, which I put on her bed. It was great to have her in the house again because it gave me a sense of gratitude to see my family under one roof, finally back together. Lauren entered into six weeks of an intensive outpatient program following her graduation. It took her away from the house for six hours per day. She was sometimes gone even more than that because new friends would come and whisk her away. Some of these new friendships were very deep, and I could see that Lauren was reaching out beyond herself in a positive way.

  At the residential house, she had befriended a girl named Tara. Lauren approached me about the possibility of Tara living with us, so that both girls could attend the outpatient program together after graduation. Tara’s family was willing to provide money for room and board and for Tara’s extra needs. I was fine with that arrangement, and Tara moved in. Outpatient was supposed to be a safe place for her and Lauren, and I hardly worried that either of them would run into any problems there if they completed the program together. The two of them together didn’t, but Lauren did on her own because of her former boyfriend, Robert. He had showed up at the twelve-step center looking for her. When he did, staff there told Robert to leave and not come back. For fear of upsetting Lauren at this new phase of her sobriety, nobody told Lauren and instead told me, just to make me aware of the problem.

  Staff suggested that I sit down with Lauren and tell her what was ha
ppening when the two of us could talk at home. She was very upset when I shared the news. Lauren demanded to know why no one had informed her that Robert had showed up at twelve-step. She was distressed because if her safety was at issue, she should have been told about that fact at group. I also informed her that I had gone to the police station that day to file a restraining order against Robert. I did this to protect myself and Lauren. Robert might have brought drugs and chaos back into our lives again. It felt important to do something concrete that could stop that possibility.

  Several nights later, Lauren and Tara had rented the movie Scream, a slasher flick. I recommended that they not watch it, with everything that had gone on with Robert, but they decided to watch the movie anyway, late that night with all of the lights off. I was in my bedroom drifting off to sleep when I heard Robert’s banging. Lauren was in a panic. “Oh my god, oh my god, Robert is banging on the front window.” She was screaming while I tried to remain calm and settle the girls down. I called the police, and we sat silently in the dark, hiding until they arrived. How dare Robert come around disrupting our lives, I remember fuming, trying to drag Lauren back into his drug-infested world. I felt like a mama bear protecting her cubs. Anger filled me all the way up.

  When the police arrived, there was no sign of Robert. He had disappeared, and the police noted that there was not much they could do anyway, besides warn him, if Robert was ever found. Several nights later he might have come by again. Tara was home by herself and had taken a shower. She went into Lauren’s room to change, and apparently the blinds were slightly open. She was naked when she looked at the window to see a man standing outside staring back at her. She screamed, grabbed a towel to wrap around her body, and ran through the house to get away. Tara made her way to the kitchen, where she grabbed a large knife out of a kitchen drawer and held it tightly as she lay on the couch in a fetal position. Ryan found her that way when he came home several hours later. When I arrived home, Tara told me the story and described a man who fit the description of Robert.

  We called the police after this happened. Again, we reported Robert. Apparently the police had run across him and chatted with him about our complaints, but he denied everything and claimed he had an alibi. Later in the week we received papers in the mail that informed us that Robert was fighting our restraining order. Because of his choice, we had to appear in court if we wanted the order to stand. Lauren was petrified at this prospect. On the day of the hearing she did not want to see Robert and had definitely said she did not want to have to testify against him. Her counselor had recommended that she have one of the other counselors accompany her to court for support, and so we also took that counselor with us. Bob came, too. We led ourselves courageously into the courtroom to protect our sober world.

  Together, we had a league of sober people standing strong against Robert. Even with all this support, Lauren remained distraught. She told us that she was not going to be able to go through with it. An upset Bob reminded her that he did not think that was an option. “Lauren, if you don’t do this, you will always be looking over your shoulder,” he said. “Not only will this put you at risk, but your mother and your brother could be in danger as well.” The situation was bigger than her was what he was trying to say. It involved all of us, which Lauren was able to see after she considered our situation. Because she had become sober, she had reconnected to her sense of family and was determined to help us all stay on track. Lauren agreed to testify against Robert, and we went to the courtroom together.

  The judge asked Robert to explain why he thought that the restraining order should be overturned. He stated it should be overturned because he had never tried to contact Lauren after receiving her letter, the one she wrote to indicate to him that she wanted to break up. Robert said he wanted Lauren to be happy and wanted what was best for her. The judge then listened to Lauren’s account of the incidents that had occurred. The two stories were obviously very different. The judge did not try to determine which story was true. Instead, he told Robert that if he was truly only interested in Lauren’s best interests and had no intention of contacting her any longer, then to let the restraining order against him stand should not be any problem. We were all very relieved at the final outcome. “Your request is denied,” the judge told Robert. Robert was visibly unhappy and left the courtroom with his cousin. That was the last we would ever hear from him.

  Life got into a smooth rhythm with Lauren after that. She remained heavily involved with twelve-step. Work, meetings, and continuing to develop my relationship with Bob were what consumed my time. There was also a special group I joined for adults with addiction issues because of the decision I had made about my past addictions. The first night at my new meeting, I was asked to share about myself. I revisited some of my history. After hearing myself talk, I realized there was no question I had found a place that was exactly where I needed to be. I felt shaky and scared for the first few months of my sobriety. Those couple of glasses of wine I was occasionally drinking before this time had just seemed enough to take the edge off. The knowledge I could no longer medicate myself in that way was frightening, but the others in the meeting told me to just keep coming back. As I continued to attend, I started to feel hopeful. I learned about the same twelve steps that were healing Ryan and Lauren and began using those steps for myself.

  Each ripple that would meet us continued to die out. Eventually the ripples would hit the shore of recovery and break. The troubles we did have were about personal relationships now, instead of problems with drugs, guns, the police, or calls from school administrators. The relationship that caused me the most concern was between Lauren and a boy from twelve-step she had began dating, John. I wondered whether it was too early in her sobriety to be in a relationship. Self-confidence is hard for an addict to regain, and a bad relationship can function as a crutch in early sobriety, because confidence has yet to return. Lauren was eighteen by this time, though, and when she had eight months sober she celebrated her birthday, moved into an apartment with three other girls from the group, left the teen program, and moved on to join the young adults in recovery. She got a job and seemed to be doing well. My only worry was that she seemed to be getting more serious with John, and I noticed that it began to affect her recovery. Lauren started to miss meetings and functions.

  She became very defensive when anyone questioned her absences. It was the same aggressive anger Lauren had shown me when she was defending her addictive behaviors. I received a call one day from one of the program counselors that had also begun to worry about the relationship between Lauren and John. Counselors felt the relationship had become unhealthy. I tried to talk to Lauren before counselors warned her, but she did not want to hear it. A week later, I received a call that she and John had not listened to the warnings from the counselors either, and the two of them had been asked to leave the program. You’ve got to be kidding me, I thought. Lauren had come up from the bottom, away from our family addiction to drugs and booze, only to stay caught up in the beast of a bad relationship. After all we had been through, we had found a place of stability through twelve-step, and now the stability was going to be removed.

  I didn’t trust that Lauren could function as well as she had if she was forced to function without the program, so I chose to make myself ready for what might come next, feeling very worried and sick. Her roommates informed Lauren that she was going to have to find a new place to live because she was no longer in the program. Lauren moved into the apartment of a former group member, who was also no longer with twelve-step. I didn’t think things could get any worse when I received the call that Lauren was pregnant. “Mom, I have something to tell you,” she started. She paused, and I held my breath. “You’re going to be a grandma.” I don’t recall exactly what I said to her after I heard the news, but I felt like a train had hit me. I tried to stay calm until I could phone my sponsor for support. I thanked Lauren for telling me and asked her if she was okay. She said she was, and I somehow got of
f the phone.

  I called my sponsor immediately after that, and my sponsor reminded me that I wasn’t the one having the baby, Lauren was. I was continuing to work on my ability to let my kids handle their own lives. With the new baby Lauren was going to need me, but my sponsor was recommending that I not jump into the situation and try to fix it or control it. I had to let Lauren try. She was the one who would be faced with some tough decisions, and she would need my love and support, not my solutions. The best thing I could do, my sponsor said, was to just be a mom. I could love Lauren and pray for guidance in the situation. So that is what I did.

  Several nights later I received a call from Lauren that she was on her way to the emergency room. She had experienced a sharp pain in her abdomen and was bleeding. Bob and I went to the hospital and stood by her side. She had not miscarried, but her doctor felt there was a good possibility she would. Lauren was ordered to rest for a few days, but I received a late-night call not long after that. Lauren was in pain again and bleeding, and John had refused to take her to the hospital. Bob got on the phone with John at that point and told him to take Lauren to the hospital immediately and to start taking some responsibility for what was going on. John didn’t seem very interested in hearing what Bob had to say. It all fell on deaf ears. John hung up on Bob, and we didn’t know where Lauren was or how to find her. We called the hospital a couple of hours later, but she was not there. We panicked at that news, hopped in the car, and started to make calls to find Lauren as we drove around looking for her.

  A friend gave us an address where Lauren and John might have been staying. The drive there felt like an eternity. We had not been driving all night, but we had been up all night just trying to locate them. I was very upset and holding back tears most of the way. This was my daughter and my grandchild on the line. How dare John treat them the way he had? I went inside when Bob and I arrived at the address, only to find Lauren cramped over and in pain. She asked me to go into the bathroom with her. She was terrified and needed to show me the clot of blood that she had passed. It looked like a small fetus. We wadded it up in tissue and took it to the hospital with us, where Lauren was admitted into the emergency room and it was confirmed that she had miscarried. My heart broke for my daughter. She lay in the emergency room, having lost her baby, and her boyfriend was nowhere to be found.